just venting April 16, 2009

First of all, I know I haven’t written in forever; and for those of you that stumble across here from time to time I’m sorry I don’t keep this updated very much. But, anyways…I only have about two weeks of school left for my freshman year of college! How crazy does that seem?!?

Now onto my main point, I met my biological dad’s brother; my Uncle Frank. He is an awesome and wonderful man and I am so blessed and thankful that God has allowed us to meet and get to know eachother.
However, everytime he talks about his side of the family I honestly get a little upset because I never had the chance to know my Dad like they did. I know it’s so selfish but it makes me kind of angry. I keep hearing how much my dad would’ve been so proud and how he talked about me, blah blah blah. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad my dad thought of me but everytime they bring up something about him it’s almost like I get jealous of the relationship my dad’s family had with him because I never did, and never will have that relationship with him.

I know I should be grateful for what I’ve been blessed with, and I am, really I am I guess this just proves that humans (or most of us I guess) always want what we can’t have.

This was a huge venting blog, but anyways…honestly everything is good. I love life and I love the people that are in it. I’m so blessed and so thankful for everything. Thank you God

 

God bless those who stumble across

I forgot I had a blog. January 27, 2009

The entire point of me having a blog was for me to vent and just kinda put down what goes through my mind. But, I’ve kind of forgotten I had one–maybe not so much that I forgot but that I just don’t have much time to sit down for 15 minutes to write this. But, I’m making time today

My friend Molly just got married this past Saturday (the 24th). It was beautiful. But she’s 18, just like me. She and her boyfriend have been together for about a year and a half vs mine and Houston’s almost 3 year relationship. I’m a little envious just because I also want to be married. The more I think about it the more I realize that I know I’m not ready now. I have three more years of undergrad study and then a couple years of grad school before I’m done. I’d love to be married and know that I will be spending the rest of my life with my best friend, but for now I’m also happy knowing that one day I will actually be able to do that.

Second semester just started too. 18 credit hours, and a whole lot of homework and reading and lab work to do. But, *fingers crossed*, I’ll be a Nurse Practitioner at the end of it all. Yep, that kind of has a ring to it.

All in all, I am so happy with my life and everyone in it that God has blessed me with. I take a lot of things for granted but I’m working on really appreciating everything to the fullest.

Well, Chemistry class is calling.
Peace and Love;;

So much to catch up on! November 4, 2008

Okay, so I haven’t written here on wordpress in awhile–not like anyone is missing out on anything, right?! haha. Anyways, school is still school. I’m so ready for Thanksgiving break, better yet CHRISTMAS BREAK. An entire month off from school! Definitely can’t wait for that.

I’m still struggling in Chemistry, but I’m really hoping that something works out for me. I’ll probably end up taking it at a community college over the summer anyways just so I can bring my GPA up. It’s so stressful keeping up with my GPA and wondering if it’s as good or better than everyone else’s. I’ve never been that kind of person before so it’s something different.

One of my best friends is getting married in January. WTF? Haha. I know that for one, it is a bit strange simply because she’s only 18 but, I’m so happy for her and it’s just so weird to think that I’m actually getting older. Ouch. There’s only three years left until I’m on my own. Paying for my own stuff….and dare I say it…actually having to work more than 4 hours every two weeks!? Ugh.

Another thing that has gotten brought up is marriage for myself also. Now, for the couple of people that may read this, DONT FREAK. I’m not getting married anytime soon–it’s just been on the table of discussion between Houston and I. We’ve been dating for almost three years, and he’s my best friend and the one person besides God (of course) that I can go and talk to and trust with everything. And, everytime I’ve thought about being married to him I get excited but lately I’ve been getting a little nervous. I just want to know that I’m ready. I definitely know I’m not ready now, and I’m okay with that. Definitely okay with that. But, I’ve been striving so hard to put God first and I’ll be the first to let you knowk that I haven’t always done that. But, marriage is a blessing and gift from God so I’m just being extra cautious that I’m taking the right steps of having a God centered relationship before I think about anything else.
I don’t really know what all I’m trying to say. I guess I’m just trying to vent a little and get all this “stuff” off my chest.

Anyways, I could write a lot more. But I’ll save that for another day. I have to get back to homework and studying…the story of my life.

God Bless! …and to those of you who read this or stumble across my blog please pray that I can find peace in my life. I need to relax…that would help my day to day life so much more. haha.

 

peace&love.

Yet another post on UNCG. September 30, 2008

Lately all of my blog posts have been about my time here in Greensboro. I’m still loving the campus, and the friends I’ve made so far; however…I’m beginning to feel like a failure. Now, I understand that failure is a very harsh word but right now at this moment it’s how I feel.
Last week I had a Biology exam and a Chemistry exam, fun right? I studied really hard for my Bio exam and made 2 points away from a C. Chemistry….well we won’t talk about chemistry. Let’s just say I thought I did really well even though I kind of pushed that test out of my mind because I was freaking about Biology. Needless to say, the 2 grades I have recieved as tests so far really make me mad. Pissed off even. How come I study so hard and still recieve a grade that is much less desired?

Houston came to visit me for a little bit today and I was browsing through other majors. He pretty much told me to stop acting stupid and realize that I wouldn’t want to do anything else besides nursing…I didn’t want to admit he was right.

I talked to my mom a little bit about it after I got my Biology grade back. I’ve done really well on my quizzes and I feel like I understand the material, and I have A’s in all my other classes–but what is the deal with Biology? And now Chemistry? I feel like to truly be able to succeed I’m going to have to cut off all ties with the outside social world for awhile. And, I know this is only the first test but I really need to do freaking amazing on the next tests to be able to stay on the list for nursing school. …I don’t even want to THINK about applying for nursing school right now.

I may be a little hard on myself, but I just want to do well in these classes. I honestly don’t know what else I would major in. I mean, I guess I could try and be famous. That works out in about 1 in a million, right??

Two things… September 26, 2008

1)Watch this video. I cried. Her name is Leigha. She’s from my church, I don’t know her too well but I know that God has a serious plan for this girl’s life; and this video showed me just how AWESOME God truly is.

http://www.digtriad.com/video/default.aspx?m0aven_playerId=newsmaker&maven_referralPlaylistId=playlist&maven_referralObject=867918577

2)One of my friends that I met here at UNCG has constantly been setting her status on facebook as “Jesus loves you”, I followed a link she told me to read…afterwards, I changed my status too.

Common Interest – Religion & Spirituality

Description:

Ok, so I just wanted to give a quick little testimony as to what God spoke to me today, a few of you have already heard, but read it anyways because there’s something I want us to try to do.. Today, i was walking around to class with my Ipod in listening to this song that simply says “oh how he loves us” and as I walked into my religious studies class, I noticed that someone had written “Jesus Loves You” in big letters on the chalk board. Now ofcourse in this class, we talk about all religions, and Jesus is definitly not the focal point. I didn’t even know who had written it, and it was most likely written as a joke… So I sat down, still listening to those words in my Ipod, “Oh how He loves Us”, and then my professor walks in. Most of the class wasn’t paying attention, they were talking and focusing on other things, but I watched as my professor took the eraser and began to erase those three words that we’ve seen some many times… “Jesus Loves You” In that moment I saw that no one was even looking or even cared, and God literally humbled my heart then and there in that classroom. He began to speak to me, and I felt completely broken before God… they didn’t get it! JESUS LOVES YOU, yet they all didn’t even seem to care. But then I noticed that as he erased those words, I could still see this chalked blur on the board, and even though it may have been smeered, I still knew what had been written there… and it was like God came down and sat right beside and began to say “no matter how much they try to ignore it, push it out of their minds, and say its not true, I’m always going to Love them, I’m always going to Love you. ” There’s not an eraser powerful enough in existence to erase the love He has for us. God has really laid this on my heart now for a good while… there are a lot of us who are struggling with acceptance, confidence, motivation, myself included. Lately I’ve been tearing myself apart about what people think and how I come across to people. It’s been a battle that I’ve been losing and it’s taken me seeing several other people going through the same struggle to realize just how much satan is tearing God’s people down with these lies. I’m tired of seeing God’s children struggle, and I’m tired of trying to please this world. We try so hard to make people love us but we’re not looking at the board in front of us… Jesus Loves You. Oh how He loves us, why should you try to be someone you’re not to get people to love you when there is a God who loves you for exactly who you are?! Why should you let the pressures and opinions of others stop you from doing what God wants you to do?! Why? Because we’ve taken those three simple words for granted over the years. It’s time to put the eraser away. It’s time to step into a love that will cause us to transform in so many ways, and I promise you, I PROMISE YOU… you will never be the same! So heres what Daniel Mallard came to me with, we want to see as many people as possible change their status to “Jesus Loves You”, to the point where its all over the place! There are a lot of people out there who are searching for something, and you never know what God can speak to someone in just those three simple words. There are too many people who don’t feel like anybody loves them, but a simple status change can open their eyes to the God of unfailing Love. So anytime after you read this, change your status, and if you want, change it continually throughout the day so it will show up on th eupdates and on peoples newsfeeds. If we all do it, it will be everywhere! It’d be great to keep it up throughout the week! God bless ya’ll Jesus Loves You John 3:16 Galatians 1:10 -Zach peace&love.

I think I might start a countdown soon… September 22, 2008

…A countdown till finals. That’s right. I’m actually ready for finals. Simply because I’m ready to have the stresses of first semester to be OVER; and to actually stay at my house for more than one night per weekend.

I have 3 tests this week. Two are on the same day and are my hardest tests as well. (Biology at 8am, and Chemistry at 5:30) The other test is in Anthropology, but I feel okay with that at the moment. I’m really hoping that either A)classes ease up on the workload and I get to relax more, or B)A lot of people drop out or change their major so that I don’t have to stress about getting into Nursing School. I’m aiming for the second choice at the moment.

I’m also ready to countdown the days till I feel okay with quitting my job at the nursing home. I love being able to take care of people and making a difference in their day (it’s why I’m a nursing major) however, going into work at 7am, and start my day of straining, lifting, changing and bathing is not an ideal day for me. It’s so hard on my body because most of the residents are total care. But, I’ve only been a CNA at this nursing home for about 3 months. So, I’m trying to stay because my bosses have been so willing to work with my school schedule and the pay is really good. But, I’d rather be able to relax on the weekends instead of going into work and counting down the hours till my shift is over.

 

I swear I’ll write an uplifting blog entry soon. …As soon as I’m done with my tests and done with my shift at work.

peace<3

Have you ever? September 11, 2008

• Felt such a strong pull from God but you can’t quite hear what he’s trying to say? Sometimes I think he’s just telling me to shutup and relax. I picture God like that. You know, laid back and will just call you out, yet still be the numero uno person you run to. I like that picture of him a lot
• Wanted to talk to someone but no one is there to talk to? Sure I have a roommate, and two girls that I’ve met across the hall, but no one that knows the real me. It gets kind of lonely
• Wanted people to tell you what you want to hear just so you reassure yourself?
• Wanted the “ideal relationship” with someone, and then something happens where you have to start from square one again? sucks.

 

I feel so out of place sometimes. I’m living in what seems like my own little city and no way to get out of it. I sit here in my dorm, writing out my own little pity party and listening to Hillsong United. It’s become normal for me to have at least a daily breakdown it seems like.

I haven’t been eating much–which is strange. I just don’t have an appetite. I feel so empty right now, and I don’t know what to do about it. I have a feeling on my chest like something is pressing down on it. I know it’s God trying to talk, but I can’t listen. For some reason I can’t hear him. I don’t have enough time to gather my thoughts and try to hear what he’s saying to me; and this should never be the case.

I’m just ready to relax, pray and listen, and EAT all day long. But, as a nursing student I won’t be able to do that until after I’m out of school. Guess I don’t have to worry about that freshman 15 for now, right?

Just an update September 3, 2008

So, the newest thing I’ve discovered while at the “G” has been that I absolutely hate walking to class in the rain. And, I also hate waking up to standing water in my dorm room. Yep. That’s right. Standing water. You see, we have no A/C in our room, so we have fans and we keep our windows open 24/7. Well, last week during our torrential downpour that we had, water came through our window while sleeping thus waking up with wet feet in the morning.
But, I got over that.

I haven’t gotten over the workload. That’s going to take some getting used to. I really wanted to get involved with an all girls a capella christian group, but my seven classes just won’t allow that. GOOD NEWS THOUGH! I’ve started going to the intervarsity meetings, and they need worship leaders! We’ll see where that goes, but hopefully God will open this door for me. I miss being a part of a worship team so badly.

In short, other than all my classes and the work that goes along with them school is okay. My room isn’t a wreck yet. Partly because my roomie is a cleaning freak (I’m glad one of us is) and she’s been prone to clean my side of the room too! Score!

Okay, random tangent. In one of my emails I got from the Intervarsity minister he sent out a bible verse that is now hanging over my bed and I try and read it everyday. Here goes:

“Be cheerful no matter what, pray all the time, thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.”
1 Thess 5:16-18 (the message)

LOVE that verse. But, I have to admit that the day I woke up to water on our floor and getting drenched outside, I was not practicing being “cheerful no matter what”. haha.

 

…Well, back to work.

Is this a normal college experience?? August 26, 2008

Okay, so I’ve only been at school for a short amount of time but I’m already ready to come home. My roommate is COMPLETELY different from me. Not that it’s a bad thing, but it just causes an almost immediate reaction of confusion and frustration for me sometimes. Let me elaborate…

She’s Muslim and her culture seems so strange. I feel ignorant because I get frustrated sometimes mainly because I don’t understand. Example: when her mom comes to visit on weekends, and my boyfriend is up here visiting, he has to leave the room and walk around campus because she’s not supposed to have a boy that’s not a part of her family in the same room with her alone.

Guys, I’m really trying to be respectful, but this is such a big adjustment for me. Along with all the extra homework I now have, the cafeteria food I eat at least twice a day, no mom, AND a different culture I’m in almost constant contact with now?!

I’ve been praying more, and I feel like I’ve gotten connected to my faith in a much stronger way. So, maybe all of this is happening for a reason…but for now I’m overwhelmed.

hello, uncg. August 22, 2008

Tonight is my second night at UNCG and I’m still feeling lonely. I don’t know why I should though, I’m going home tomorrow for the night! haha.

I can already tell how much of an adjustment this is going to be. I keep checking my emails from professors and I have homework…apparently was a bad idea to check my email.

Anyways, the dorm is starting to look like home. I like it. It’s just different. I have an AWESOME view of downtown from my dorm though, and that’s a HUGE bonus.

 

Update soon to come. promise
Until then, I still have some settling in to do…

 

peace.