Healing January 23, 2012

Yesterday, I was driving (story of my life) and I felt that I needed to spend some time with God. Since I’m in my car a lot that is usually where I try to catch up on my conversations with Him. I usually don’t listen to Christian radio simply because most of the music is from the 90′s and it is all one dimensional; but last night I was. Two songs came on back to back that spoke to me. One was about letting go and allowing God to catch you. The second song that came on was “Lead me to the Cross.” So, I put these two together and got the message of “let go, trust me, come to me.” This leads me to my next point….

…Today in church, we heard a powerful message about healing. I am really trying to let the wounds from past events heal but because of the wall I have built up around me it has been pretty difficult. I had a minor breakdown (sobbing included) at the end of the service because our pastor invited people up for prayer who needed healing. Where was I? In my seat. I didn’t move for a couple reasons. 1) I barely know my new church family. I don’t even know how to tell them what I need prayer for! 2) I have a hard enough time letting people in on my struggles that I know, much less people whose names I don’t even know!

Looking back, I should have gotten up and gone for prayer. Me sitting in my seat was extra time of me holding on to pain. I’m scared about starting the healing process because of what it is…a process. It won’t be instant; and I want it to be.

Oh, self improvements. Why must you be so difficult?

 

Getting Over the Mountains January 18, 2012

Well, I may not have blogged in a year but what better time to pick back up. We’ll call it a new year’s resolution.

Before I stopped blogging, my posts all centered around God. I want to continue that…hopefully I can stick to it better this time around.

One thing I have been dealing with a lot lately is feeling distant. It is almost like a “dry spell”. I have often heard that many, if not all, Christ followers go through these kind of seasons. While I am getting back to where I want to be in my relationship with God, I still struggle with seeing Him and hearing Him on a day to day basis. And to be honest, it is frustrating. But, I’m not frustrated with God. I’m frustrated with myself. How do I let myself become so detached from a God who loves me so much…the only one who has never forgotten me, given up on me, or abandoned me? I think part of me gets stuck with the mindset of “I can fix it myself”. By this I mean making our own way. Doing things our own way, on our own time. I have tried this many times before and you would think that by now I would have learned that it doesn’t work like that. Sure, you can be headstrong and determined….but that isn’t enough. I learn a little more everyday that I am not as strong as I think. My pride is bigger than I am and sometimes I let that take over how big I think my God is. It is something I am dealing with and have been working on a lot; especially in this last year.

In my life I have a lot of mountains, as I like to call them, in my life that make it difficult to let go of the past, focus on the future, and most importantly, to heal. Some days I feel like I could overcome all of them in one day, but other days I feel like I am overwhelmed and lonely.

Right now I am reading an online book about overcoming breakup. It has been some time since my breakup, but the wound still seems fresh every now and then. Although I was deeply hurt and saddened at the time, I am learning that it has brought new life to my relationship with God and really has changed my heart and my life. In trying to nourish my relationship with God I am trying to talk to Him more. Not by praying necessarily, but by having conversations with Him. A line in the first chapter of the book states this: “Now that you’re going through this rough time, you should be totally in His face through prayer and mediation on His word.” This is the first mountain I am overcoming and I am really in God’s face about helping me heal and grow in compassion, love, and contentment with my life.

I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with my other figurative mountain. It has to do with my family and I just don’t know how to talk about it without being so angry. My stepdad was a great man for a long time. He is now overtaken by a disease that has totally disconnected him from my mom, myself, and my sister. The effects that alcohol has had on his mind, body, and spirit are heartbreaking. He left his family and faith for a substance that has numbed him. What kind of man has he become? I have become so angry and bitter towards him that it has taken away from my joy and I find that so unfair.

These two mountains have made me build walls around me that I won’t let anyone break down. I don’t let people in to my life very often for fear of being hurt. I am angry at myself for not being able to let go completely and just start over.

I am a broken person.

But, I find joy in the fact that even in this “dry season” that I sometimes feel I am in, God still finds ways to reach out to me. I am being healed. Maybe not as quickly as I would like, but He is working. My mountains may be around for awhile, but my God will be around longer. I know that I have a lot of learning to do and a lot to work on in my life to truly become the woman God has planned for me to be. But, I feel like I have a good start. I just have to keep listening to Him and I have to continue to be “totally in His face”.